Thursday, August 30, 2012

Can you mend a broken heart...

How do you mend a broken heart?  When your heart, and someone's heart have been broken how can it ever be fixed?  How do you live with the pain, the torment, and the guilt?  You look into the bright blue eyes, that have been made even brighter by the tears and continue saying words that you know hurt.  Images flash though your mind of every joyful and proud moment that this person has brought into your life.  You know without a doubt that with out him; your life would have been a failure.  This person brought you up from the deepest depths you have ever faced, some of the simplest joys were shown to be the greatest moments in your life thanks to him.  You feel responsible for their future, for their knowledge of right and wrong, for their happiness, and life in general. How can you mend your son's broken heart, when it is you his Momma who is breaking it?

For days after you question people, your husband, mother, father, pastor....did I handle that in the best possible way?  Was I too hard, not hard enough, or did I scar him for life?  Everyone looks at you with astonishment..Monkey did that, your Monkey?

Monkey is known to be the "good kid" of my four kiddos.  (don't worry the kids have never heard him called the "good kid") He rarely ever gets in trouble and as the oldest takes it upon himself to be helpful.  He is very loving and very kind towards everyone he encounters.  Smart as a whip, and a silly laughing kid most of the time.

Monkey broke my heart, he stole money from his dad and I!  I have never had an issue with him, stealing never really came up.  We had the usual, "don't take anything that is not yours, because it is stealing and hurts" talk but I never worried that it would ever be an issue.

Last year Bubby stole something from a kid in school.  Jerm and I talked to him, explained that it was stealing, and that stealing hurts. He was made to return the item, write letters of apology to the child, the child's parents, and his teacher plus lost privileges for a while.  It never happened again. Lesson learned.

$80.00 and no explanation of why he took it.  I found the money in his room while he was sleeping.  He uses my phone charger to charge his Kindle sometimes, I went in there to get my charger before I went to bed. Walking out of the room I notice that the clear cup that he keeps his allowance in ( I don't know why he puts it in there) had a $20 bill in it.....that's odd he just spent his saved up money.  I look more closely and realize that it's not one, but four $20 bills! I check my wallet, I am missing $80.00.  I am not angry. I am confused, hurt and my heart is breaking!

I wake him up and ask him where did you get this money?  Automatically his eyes start tearing up, and my heart breaks a little more.  He doesn't answer, I stay calm and ask him again "where did you get this" he finally answers that he took it from my wallet. I try but can't stop it, I try with everything in my power but tears are building an I can't stop the one that escapes my defenses.  I ask him do you know what you did, he knows, he admits that it was stealing.  I explain to my oldest son that he hurt me, that now I don't know what to do.  I explain that stealing rips away trust, it causes people to distrust you, that you are known as being dishonest.

I am hurt we have always had a very close relationship.  He was my life vest through the raging turbulent seas of divorce, single parenting and every day insecurities. I had to survive all of that and raise my baby, he kept me pushing forward trying to be the best parent I could be. I didn't tell him this, but I was thinking it.

We talked.  How the trust was now broken, that he would have to rebuild the trust between himself Jerm and I.  We would have to work through this.  How Jerm and I work hard for the money we use to pay bills and buy the things we need and want.  How every moment we spend working to earn money is time we would rather have spent with our family.  How sometimes one of us had to miss important family events and moments because we had to work. Every word that I say to him brings more tears from those bright blue eyes of his, and I can't help feeling that I am breaking my son's heart.  I am his Mother I am supposed to be defending his heart. We talked for a little while, and I then told him he needed to get some sleep we would talk about the consequences of his actions in the morning.

Jerm and I discussed the situation the next morning (he was already in bed when I discovered the stolen money)  We decided thatMonkey would of course lose privileges, but that the money he normally earned doing chores would not be awarded.  He would work off the debt of $80.00 first ( I know that I found the money) we wanted to teach him how it felt to work and earn money taking time from things he enjoyed doing, but not have the pleasure of spending the money earned.  We made a chart counting down the amount earned VS owed.  Monkey also had to write a letter of apology, and tell us how he planned on earning our trust back. 

It has been months since this incident, Monkey is still the great kid he was before this incident.  I hope that he learned his lesson well, we haven't had any problems since.  I still wonder if I was too harsh, or not harsh enough.  I was reassured many times from family, friends and pastor that they thought we handled the situation correctly.  Monkey has earned his allowance back.  I worry that I hurt our relationship, I worry that I will see signs sometime down the road (haven't seen them yet) that I caused some kind of emotional scar, was I too hard on my baby? Did I break his heart? If I did, can I mend it?

 One of my favorite (old) pictures of Monkey and those chubby cheeks!

Being inspired once again by Mama Kat, and her pretty much world famous Writers Workshop! Tell us about something you broke!

Mama’s Losin’ It


  1. I went through something similar this year in february. it was horrible. My heart was totally broken. Time does heal. It has been 7 months and he has finally earned his allowance back. We took away his allowance for that season as well for him to pay back the money he took, he also was grounded for a week to being on house arrest. He really did not like that. But sometimes i think you have to be the bad guy in order for lessons to be learned. My sons dad let him off and gave no punishment. we are divorced. My sons dad told him I was committing "child abuse" by not allowing him to go out and play that week. it was lovely. :( But I did what we felt was right. I dont believe he will ever do it again. If he had gotten off with absolutely no consequence, well who knows if it would happen again. Sometimes you have to have tough times to learn some lessons. hang in there. Time will heal.

    1. I think as parents we always question ourselves, but don't always like to admit it. The pressure of raising children isn't, in my opinion, "dealing" with them but knowing that you have a large influence in the people the will grow to be. I have read that most children go through a stealing phase or at least do it once, but lying and stealing are some of the worst offenses, I feel, you can commit against another person. Thank you for the support, it always helps to hear that another mother has gone through the same situations and everything was ok after.

  2. I remember taking money from my mom as a child and she never found out about it. When I did do something wrong, it was mostly just yelling and grounding, no explanation of why I shouldn't do it, how it affects others and no punishment that fit the crime. I find it challenging as a single mom to always come up with one that fits, but I always make sure to discuss the reasons why. I want my boys to learn and grow. Sounds like you've done an excellent job.

    1. Thank you! Sounds like you are doing a great job too! I always say that there are no wrong or right parenting ways, and as long as you are honestly trying your best by your children you are doing a good job! I hate to hear "because I said so" to me a child needs to know why, if they know why, it will make them think and problem solve for future least in my opinion.

  3. Sometimes being a good parent means being strong. You made your son realize that what he did was very wrong, but you also let him know that you still loved him. If you hadn't taken a hard line on this issue, he might not have really understood how wrong it was and might have done it again. You did the right thing for your boy.

    1. I know understand what parents mean by "this hurts me more than you" because it hurts to see the tears of you child when you explain that you are disappointed in their actions! It hurts to sometimes be strong, but all you can do is hope that it not only prevents another bad decision, but that it makes a strong moral child.


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